Thursday, February 14, 2008

I'm depressed

I've been thinking alot lately about how things are.

Yesterday I realized. I have no real friends. No really, none. Friends keep up with you, don't they?

I had friends in Terre Haute. I realized yesterday that NOT ONE of them has called me since I moved here some 5 or so years ago. I call them and with 3 of them set up lunches when I used to go to town. If I call them maybe 3 or 4 times a year, they will listen to me and they are sweet and loving but they never call me. (They don't even email me)

Outside of my family, I have uh no one.

When things are frustrating I have no one to call and say let's go to a coffee shop and talk for a few minutes. If I need someone to do something with, I'm screwed. I can't find anyone to go to a movie with me to save my life.

I stay up late and watch TIVO'd Project Runway, American Idol and fucking House.

I'm really suffering now and I've really tried to talk to my family but they just don't get it and are so mired in their own crap that understandably they don't have the time to mess with me. I can call my old pastor but I'm tired of burdening him with my crap, he's got his own crap.

I'm binge eating again and I hate it. Food fills the hole for about 5 minutes then I'm back looking for a fix again. I'm back off my medications because I'm sick of feeling nauseous all the freaking time.

I feel like such a fucking failure.