Wednesday, October 24, 2007

I didn't find my self-esteem under the couch

It's not good.

The way I'm feeling right now.

Things topsy-turvy.

Things upside-down and inside-out.

Changes coming faster than a 51 year old can adjust.

Really.

I find myself on the edge of tears frequently but trying to resist because it upsets the grandkid.

I am the stay-at-home wife, mother and grandmother.

It is a thankless job.

I'm not great at it.

I keep trying though.

I've never been Better Crocker or Suzy Homemaker but I'm trying to muster up everything I can to keep things moving smoothly.

The physical things.

The emotional things.

The relationship things.

I don't think I can do it.

Trying to help hubby get past the things happening at his work. People let go. People resigning. New management. Many changes.

Trying to help daughter and son-in-law deal with the changes in their lives.

Right or wrong, I don't feel valued.

I feel taken for granted.

I feel like the whipping post for everyone else's frustrations.

I ask for people to be quiet late at night and it's like I'm a bitch.

Granddaughter's old caregivers are coming to visit today. They are wonderful people. No one consulted with me though. Daughter and son-in-law will arrive home around 5:45. The visitors are coming at 5. That means I have to entertain them. He is high-energy and I have to be on my game to be able to deal with him. The way I am feeling today, I just don't know how much of him I can put up with. They are going out to dinner, I am opting NOT TO GO.

Daughter, SIL and granddaughter's living spaces are a mess. I've been trying to back off doing everything for them. The visitors will want to go to Granddaughter's room to play. What do I do? Leave it a mess? No, of course not, I cleaned it up.

Daughter and SIL room is knee deep in DIRTY laundry. I guess SIL is going to revert back to his I do laundry every three weeks thing. I'm not going to put up with that. Laundry will be done often---like before it smells spills out of the hampers for instance.

I'm not cleaning that mess up. For one thing, SIL is very particular about HIS laundry. Very few things can be dried in the dryer. Almost all of his shirts have to be hung up. He feels that the dryer fades clothing and makes it look less crisp. Fuck Screw that. We don't have enough hanging space in this house to hang clothes to dry. We have above the washer and dryer and we aren't have that blocked for 24 hours while his crap drys. IF he did it more often it would be tolerable.

Last night after they got home from an anniversary evening of dinner and shopping, all of a sudden they wanted to start cleaning. Damn, no, not at 11 p.m. We live in a duplex condo and Hubby gets up at 5 a.m. They knew THEIR guests were coming and Monday night they chose to watch the Colts game. Too bad.

I hate the mornings and this is what really prompted this post.

If someone can't find their keys and this has happened multiple times with multiple people... it is magically my fault. While they are asleep, I get up find their keys and I hide them. EVIDENTLY BECAUSE I LIKE PEOPLE BITCHING AT ME IN THE MORNING WHEN THEY CAN'T FIND THEIR KEYS.

If what you wanted to wear isn't clean or you can't find it, it IS my fault because I am evidently the only one who knows the secret to starting the damn washer and dryer.

If you've gained weight and grown out of shirt or a pair of pants it is my fault, somehow. Even though you have a gym membership and choose not to use it, it is my responsibility.

Please everyone, know that I enjoy this service I provide---whipping boy.

I deserve to be verbally castigated every single day of my life.

I think Granddaughter and I are going to run away and join the circus.