Tuesday, July 24, 2007

God

Where is God in all this? I've often heard pastors and preachers ask this rhetorical and non-rhetorical question.

I've thought about God quite a bit lately, while dealing with my brother-in-law's cancer. Where is God in cancer? I don't believe that God gives one cancer. I don't believe that one deserves cancer. It happens like photosynthesis. It is a process.
God doesn't direct it here and there. This one has cancer this one is spared.

I suppose it is normal when anyone close to you is really sick you begin examining your own mortality. What comes after this life? How will I die? By "how" I mean will I go out afraid and shrieking or will I die with a quiet resolve and a heart satisfied?

I do believe that God or at least something greater than me does exist. I believe that I can call upon that greater being for companionship in the worst of times and the best. I believe that being understands my every thought and my every fear and my every joy. I do not, however, believe that this greater thing is into judging and petty rationalizations and punishments, eternal or otherwise.

Because I am unable to divine the future. I know not where or when or "how" I shall die, I am able and happy to live each day as it comes and as it is given to me. Sometimes it is several days later before I can see the joy in a particular day but it is there. Maybe it was that I had to go through a bad day to enjoy the next or enjoy a night's repose.

I have thought about where I find God in the every day.

-I have found God out on the dock throwing in a line and watching it bob up and down with the water.

-I have found God in the lens of my camera, taking pictures of a bug or a blade of grass. God and I think photography may be my saving grace in the coming years.

-I have found God in the caring for of my granddaughter, Alayna. I get tired and worn out and she is a bundle of energy. Yet, she can say the simplest thing to me like "I happy, Mamie". I happy, Mamie. I should learn to think that and say it. I happy, God. I happy, hubby. I happy, children. I happy, friend.

-I have found God in the checkout line in the grocery store exchanging pleasantries with other customers that turns into exchanging stories.

There are many more places that I have found God. I am sure that further on down this cancer journey with my brother-in-law I will notice those places and hold them in my heart. I hope my brother-in-law and sister are able to do that, too, though it might seem impossible now.