Perceptions . . .

All my life, I wanted to be . . . Well, I was going to say 'thin' but that's not it. I just didn't want to be FAT.

I achieved that once when I was 17. My father and mother told me if I'd get down to a certain weight, they would buy me car.

Message: I would be worthy of a car, were I not FAT.

I lost that weight. I got that car. I proceeded to gain the weight back.

I've tried WW, optifast and dieting myself. I am now a Type II diabetic because I was always FAT.

I see myself as FAT. It shapes my life (pun intended). It is a great excuse for all my other failings and character defects.

I'm 57 years old now. I will likely always be FAT.

I'm sure people don't like me because I am FAT.

My husband would love me enough if I were not FAT.

I would have a better job if I were not FAT. (though I love the one I have)

My life would be better if I were not FAT.

I love animals. I really do. Right now I'm taking care of cat that just had his leg removed. I love my Chilly-dog, too. HOWEVER, I am about to go smack the two dogs that live behind me that won't quit barking.

I have a cat again. Well, temporarily. His name is Leon. Named after Leon from NCIS. My next door neighbor who runs a cat rescue had this Siamese mix, that had to have one of his back legs amputated. He's not a friendly guy. So he's visiting with me for a while to see if I can make friends with him. He's in my bathroom for now. Keep him safe from the dog and the dog safe from him. He stays in the kennel most of the time and I can't get him out. Hopefully, he'll emerge to eat and drink soon. I go in and sing to him from time-to-time---Italian opera and German art songs. I tell him that if he'll just friendly up he can quit listening to me sing. So far he's not taken the hint. Soon I'll have to resort to singing Nighty Night my Little Buckaroo--- that'll learn him.

I thought I'd try writing again to get some things out of my system. I know I am very unhappy, most likely depressed, again. I am supposed to be on Lexapro, but of course like all my meds, I fluctuate with taking it. I really have to monitor myself because loneliness gets me into trouble. I want to be healthy but won't dedicate the time or energy that it takes to be healthy. I feel alone though I live with my husband. He chooses to spend his time with his mistress, vodka. I don't even have the energy to fight it any more. When he gets drunk, I hid in my bedroom with my dogger. My mother said that there were worse things than living alone and she was right. I do have my daughter and her family within a mile. My granddaughter comes here after school everyday. I have a wonderful friend next door. She is the same age as my son. We have fun together sitting outside with the dogs, or walking the dogs or going out to eat. She is a Vet student, my son's age. My son and his wife live in Florida. We keep in touch mostly through FB. They are expecting their first child this month and I couldn't be happier for them. I talk to my sister quite a bit. I'm grateful that we have a wonderful relationship. I do not hear from, nor do I really attempt to contact my older brother. He did send me a FB message about Ayn Rand not long ago. God has left the building for me. Much as I'd like to be someone who has faith in god, it just never happened. I can't even pretend any more. Have I whined enough yet?

oy vey!

Since I last posted, I've seen an endocrinologist.

She changed me to Lantus and Novolog. It's working great, well, when I have a brain.

This morning in a fog, I took Lantus when I wasn't supposed to. It's my beddy-bye med :) I'm supposed to take Novolog in the morning. Call to the nurse and just had to adjust things today but the problem is I've been overeating all day because I was worried about going too low.

Tomorrow is another day.

Say it isn't so . . .

This is a darn shame, 'cuz I don't know where my leaky snow boots are. :(

I was hoping to get through January without snow. Of course, then in February I would hope the same thing :)

Perhaps I should move to aruba!

Dogs think we're crazy

My husband, at my daughter's suggestion, bought me one of the massage chair back thingees for Christmas. I finally got it out tonight. I'm working late trying to get a project finished and thought, hey, that will be nice. And it is nice.

However, this has the dog perplexed. He keeps walking over and staring at my back. You know, the whole head tilt thing. Cracks me up. He actually growled at it once.

I love that dog.