Sunday, July 13, 2014


One of my favorite snarky things to say to myself is: Life goes on, long after the thrill is gone.

I found this particularly painful to read. I've been doing some thinking about changes that need to be made in my life and I could never get to it in my head what I am frightened of.  This kind of sums it up.

Friday, April 11, 2014

Depressed thoughts

-I asked my husband a few minutes ago if he ever desired human touch. He didn't answer.
-I've been depressed for a while again. I probably should call my doctor and get my meds upped. It's starting to interfere with my every day life.
I thought I might go to a movie tonight.... nothing's playing that I fucking want to see.
I wish I could go to sleep and sleep til morning but if I go to sleep now, I'll be up from 1 a.m. which will just make thing worse.
Work has been sucky lately, but it's likely because I'm sad and not handling things well. The least little thing makes me cry. So I'm either angry or sad most of the time. I rarely get mad at co-workers but yesterday and today, I was PISSED.
I said something about going out to eat alone. An old, old friend asked why I was eating alone. Well, because I'm married to an alcoholic and eating along is preferable to eating with him.

Saturday, February 01, 2014

I hate weekends

On the weekends especially I struggle with everything including deep depression. And the weather isn't helping things. I attribute it to the lack of structure and enough things that have to be done to keep me from thinking. It's not helping that I'm going to work all weekend like I've done the last three. I'm struggling to not walk downstairs and grab something totally inappropriate to eat and eat and eat. I'm struggling not to burst into tears and cry for an hour, because then I'd really feel like shit. I'm struggling to not hide in sleep. My physical therapy has completed. I'm not any better but its my own fault. Just like every other area in my life I refuse to take care of myself. The PT assured me if I'd do my exercises for 6 weeks the symptoms would disappear. I see my endocrinologist Monday. My numbers won't be great but they will be better than the last visit. This is my last appt with her. I'm switching to my Family Practice doc to manage my diabetes. She did a residency in Internal Medicine which is fine with me. She's easy to talk and she takes her time and damn I may be wrong but she cares. And I am amused that she is my daughter's age. I liked the endo but if I have to reschedule my quarterly appointment it takes me 3 to 4 months to get back in. That's just freaking ridiculous.

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Perceptions . . .

All my life, I wanted to be . . . Well, I was going to say 'thin' but that's not it. I just didn't want to be FAT.

I achieved that once when I was 17. My father and mother told me if I'd get down to a certain weight, they would buy me car.

Message: I would be worthy of a car, were I not FAT.

I lost that weight. I got that car. I proceeded to gain the weight back.

I've tried WW, optifast and dieting myself. I am now a Type II diabetic because I was always FAT.

I see myself as FAT. It shapes my life (pun intended). It is a great excuse for all my other failings and character defects.

I'm 57 years old now. I will likely always be FAT.

I'm sure people don't like me because I am FAT.

My husband would love me enough if I were not FAT.

I would have a better job if I were not FAT. (though I love the one I have)

My life would be better if I were not FAT.

Sunday, April 07, 2013

I love animals. I really do. Right now I'm taking care of cat that just had his leg removed. I love my Chilly-dog, too. HOWEVER, I am about to go smack the two dogs that live behind me that won't quit barking.

Wednesday, April 03, 2013

I have a cat again. Well, temporarily. His name is Leon. Named after Leon from NCIS. My next door neighbor who runs a cat rescue had this Siamese mix, that had to have one of his back legs amputated. He's not a friendly guy. So he's visiting with me for a while to see if I can make friends with him. He's in my bathroom for now. Keep him safe from the dog and the dog safe from him. He stays in the kennel most of the time and I can't get him out. Hopefully, he'll emerge to eat and drink soon. I go in and sing to him from time-to-time---Italian opera and German art songs. I tell him that if he'll just friendly up he can quit listening to me sing. So far he's not taken the hint. Soon I'll have to resort to singing Nighty Night my Little Buckaroo--- that'll learn him.

Monday, April 01, 2013

I thought I'd try writing again to get some things out of my system. I know I am very unhappy, most likely depressed, again. I am supposed to be on Lexapro, but of course like all my meds, I fluctuate with taking it. I really have to monitor myself because loneliness gets me into trouble. I want to be healthy but won't dedicate the time or energy that it takes to be healthy. I feel alone though I live with my husband. He chooses to spend his time with his mistress, vodka. I don't even have the energy to fight it any more. When he gets drunk, I hid in my bedroom with my dogger. My mother said that there were worse things than living alone and she was right. I do have my daughter and her family within a mile. My granddaughter comes here after school everyday. I have a wonderful friend next door. She is the same age as my son. We have fun together sitting outside with the dogs, or walking the dogs or going out to eat. She is a Vet student, my son's age. My son and his wife live in Florida. We keep in touch mostly through FB. They are expecting their first child this month and I couldn't be happier for them. I talk to my sister quite a bit. I'm grateful that we have a wonderful relationship. I do not hear from, nor do I really attempt to contact my older brother. He did send me a FB message about Ayn Rand not long ago. God has left the building for me. Much as I'd like to be someone who has faith in god, it just never happened. I can't even pretend any more. Have I whined enough yet?